I blame Cedric Klapisch

Amendments which it would be necessary to make to 'Vicky Cristina Barcelona' to render it watchable:

1. Jettison all the non-Spanish characters. Drop Vicky and Cristina somewhere in the Llobregat marshes. Eviction and deportation of the rest by a sturdy crew of Mossos d'Esquadra. This need not be depicted.

2. Delete the dire voice-over, and execute the narrator as an example to others. This need only be depicted for purposes of catharsis.

3. In the real world, Barri Xines sex workers - those that are left - will make quick mince of any clown with a camera, Javier Bardem in attendance or not. It is vital that this is depicted.

4. Increase Javier and Penny's screen time to fill what were aching voids even before Scarlett and the rest were disposed of. Also, more of his cute poet dad.

Long term actions needed to address this problem:

Strengthen the Euro to the point at which mainland Europe is no longer an attractive location for once great but now merely competent directors to have a holiday and make a lazy, pointless, weak and intermittently crass movie on the side. Thankfully this is already in progress, ha!