Extract from the noise map produced by the Department for Environment, Food and Country Matters, published in compliance with Directive 2002/49/EC of the European Parliament and of the Council of 25 June 2002 relating to the assessment and management of environmental noise.
Where's the noise? Obv I can't say exactly where I am on here, but sometimes on my plot it's beyond pink, it's purple.
It's mostly road noise here, which should pull in the diesel-clattering cabs, the Onyx dustcarts, the disco-boy from the UAE in the no-silencer concept car and it might even pick up his chassis ripping sparks off the Tarmac.
But I'll bet they're not getting the slamming doors, the rubbish lorry a-mashing and a-compacting, Emirates lad's stereo blasting out Fedde le Grand and ya habibi this and that all night and doing a tight circuit like a kid what's borrowed another kid's new Grifter.
I'm not seeing all kinds of oi-oi-oi from the Duke when there's a private on and the big girls' karryokey I will survive. Arguments in Mandarin at four in the morning after they lost it all at the Grosvenor. Gulf families in the summer coming back from the restaurants and loading into tint-windowed 12 seaters.
What about all the I-was-like-and-he-was-like-and-she-was-like-and-we-were-like-and-they-were-like-awesome! from the Episcopalian kids from the short-stay flats at the end off to do something healthy at the Seymour, geezers loading up on breakfasts at the cafe on the corner, her next door Ona chuck the keys down yeah!, 50% of a million mobi convos, the off-her-head woman in the blue cardi most mornings Where were you Lord, when I needed you, where were you?
And next door at the back shagging all afternoon with the windows open fit to break the bed but at least it's not for money which makes a change at that address, also one or other of the test-tube brats blowing it on the clarinet or hurting a violin badly in the single occupancy dwelling diagonally opposite, not to mention the Togolese Embassy having a function, and the French couple having a barney in that basement of theirs Tu fait me merde egoiste!
Cop helicopter, air ambulance, sirens on and off and especially when they've got terror suspects round at Paddington Green, also planes on the last chance to dog-leg into the Heathrow descent path or taken off and climbing over Stanmore at least but the sound still reaches here from the part of the sky the jet was in a little bit ago.
Not that I'm complaining, it's my sunshine, you'll never know just how much I love you 'til you've taken my sunshine away. La-la-la-la-la ooh!
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