In cheery forenoon tones

For adjacent reasons, I've been reading profile pieces in foreign media. Not the sort I need translated for me, mind. But there's a certain paragraph that so often appears which I can never get used to.

It's the obscenity of the physical description. At an early stage the writer feels compelled to inform us that:

"X is trim and tan and buff. And firm. He has good, strong, bright teeth and healthy, pink gums."

The dental preoccupation I can understand: these are the criteria on which horses are purchased, so why not politicians and heads of multi-nationals? But is 'tan' surely not the same thing as 'buff'? This is a stationery term, no? So why is no-one ever 'manilla'?

There then follows a list of dimensions in imperial units - weight, height, width, girth, length. The arrangement of his hair is commented on (though the fact that he blatantly dyes it is never referred to).

The subject will inevitably have a fitness 'regimen', imparted details of which will include how far he runs and how much he can 'press'. We will hear about his diet, with several sample menus. His hour of waking, and the quantity of work he does before sunrise.

Okay, so I am making some of this up. But not all of it.