Nique la rentrée

Having run out of reading matter I turn to The Irritations Catalogue. It's a brochure of accessories, gifts and trinkets distributed to a mailing list of public and voluntary sector employees and their admirers. Here's a selection of products that caught my eye:

Beggars With Big Pleading Puppy Eyes Sitting on Blankets Beside Cash Machines Accompanied by Big-Eyed Pleading Puppies Calendar 2009. 12 scenes of aesthetically pleasing importuning, heart-warmingly juxtaposing canine and mendicant. Now with Accession 8 subjects at July and November!

Indeterminate Blankety Thing. It's a throw! It's a wrap! It's a constant source of annoyance to your colleagues as you deploy it ostentatiously in meetings when it's not even remotely chilly! Available in three exciting colours, Plum, Periwinkle and Old Semen.

Woollen Blackberry Cosy. Accessorise your persistent hand tumour with this portable communications device snuggler, hand-knitted by Peruvian orphans. Colours include Puce, Spruce, and Tubercular Phlegm (see swatch inside back cover).

'Leanne And Carl Go Halves On A Bastard' (1985) 122 minutes. Another re-release from agit-prop movie nostalgia house Days of Fatch. A wry, witty and subversive tale of love and procreation on the income support in Kirklees, West Yorkshire. Commentaries by director Trevor Spanner and Eighties societitian Beatrix Campbell. Fully restored synth soundtrack including Art of Noise, Stephen Tin Tin Duffy, Bronski Beat, and Nik Kershaw. Blu-ray format only.

Also noted: a Deluxe Inflatable Hugo Chavez (actual size - foot pump required, not included) and a boxed collection of erotic lithographs inspired by an imagined, completely hypothetical, but nevertheless steamy three-way coupling between Tony Travers, Tom Bloxham and The Outlaw Robin Wales (I know you're thinking three cannot possibly 'couple', but just see it and believe!).

Suppose I should think about getting ready for work soon.