These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things

When considering the correct approach to reading a newspaper I omitted to mention the tide tables. Consultation of these is important for those whose city is complemented by an estuarine body of water. Few things are more cheering than the sight of the river at the height of its froth looking fit to swamp the Embankment and fill the cellars of Southwark with its ebullient swell.

Fewer still more depressing than at its lowest ebb when it appears that every water molecule with a valid passport has emigrated to a villa in Bulgaria.

Banks of mud and broken masonry are exposed, strewn all across with:
used firearms and shanking tools,
red Royal Mail rubber bands,
Nutrament tins,
Railtrack luggage trolleys,
traffic bollards,
plastic bags from Gregg's,
skateboard halves and bicycle segments,
used GHB bottles,
Make Poverty History bracelets,
crack pipes and clay pipes,
the plastic surrounds SIM cards are snapped out of,
discarded Filipina domestics,
Oyster card wallets,
exhausted fire extinguishers,
Waitrose charity tokens,
luminous visibility tabards,
Next and Top Shop clothing hangers,
latex gloves,
Fitness First backpacks,
IV drip stands,
fag stubbers sponsored by Addison Lee,
USB memory sticks,
acrylic nails,
conference pass lanyards,
Metropolitan Police incident boards,
complimentary Evening Standard umbrellas,
seat cushions detached and defenestrated from First Capital Connect carriages,
pages from Georges Perec novels,
cassette tapes of Clement Freud 'Just A Minute' filibusters,
and the occasional torso of a ritually murdered child.