Then she went clack-clack-clack "Lekker!" Filthy!

Digital cameras usually have a few MB of internal memory, just to tide you over, also very useful if you have to pull the SD card in a hurry because you think CRS/Guardia Civil are about grab your pointandshoot. I usually fill mine up with pictures of the telly, because the tragic lantern's surreal enough to begin with, but that goes twice if it's someone else's.

I had a landlord who was fascinated by the two dozen German channels on his Skum package who reckoned that half the stodgy discussion shows ended up with full-on HC. He must have seen one which cut away to such scenes, and had been watching them nightly for a good half-hour after his wife went to bed ever since, like an Inca waiting for another eclipse.

There certainly aren't as many interminable panel gab sessions as there used to be, but just enough to make you wonder at the strobing effect on those dreadful check jackets some of them still wear. The sheer unnatural variety of the audience: goths rousted out of their bedrooms sitting next to plump young couples from Saxony next to elderly ladies with pink streaks in their hair next to middle-aged men with daughters locked at home in their basements. Only something entirely compulsory or very popular can manage that kind of demographic spread. I'm going with the former, it must be a kind of jury service - the poor sods get a window envelope through the door that tells them they have to cancel that holiday in Antalya and do two weeks in the audience of Morgen-Dialektisch or whatever. Their only compensation being coffee made from ground roasted acorns.

The other programmes aren't much better. Scary hags doing people's horoscopes, ffs. Creepy adverts for subscriptions to GPS Handy tracking services. You can imagine the kind of sick freak who is going to sign his girlfriend's mobile up to that. Then there are the solarium bunnies doing the music video shows